Sunday, August 28, 2005
According to my mom, I'm really concentrated on getting a good job. She told me to apply to everywhere, and so I told her I did, when I actually only applied to Loblaws, and that was ony because she made me fill out the application while we were grocery shopping.I do want a job. Having money would be a nice change from the usual "can I borrow _____". I'm sure that I'm not the only one who'd appreciate that. But...... I don't know. I'm too lazy I guess. I'm lazy at everything. Somehow, I've fooled my parents, teachers, friends, everyone that I am a) smart and b) dedicated. I am neither. I stopped trying in grade 7 when I realised that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't ever going to fit in with any group. I'm an outcast at a school full of people who were outcasts at their schools, is that even possible? I'm not really that smart. I just remember facts easily.
It isn't hard to forget a sentence of fact. It is hard to forget a memory of something.
Maybe next year I'll try. If I tried, I might do better (not that I really need to do better. I got an 85% average last year, that is so much better than everyone else I know). I'll try at other things too. I'll try to be less obscure and strange. Less obnoxious. Less cold? Someone said that I can be pretty cold, I guess I'll try not to be. It couldn't hurt. It would help if.......if things were different. If I didn't have my background in being quiet and small, and had tried to make friends with people way back when, I would not be dreading this.
I'm exaggerating. I'm not dreading school. I want to go back, it'll give me something to do other than mull around doing nothing for another 10 months. I'll keep myself busy. I will find a job, and then, in between that and school stuff, I'll be so busy that the fact that I'm really unsatisfied with myself and the people around me will dissapate. My obnoxiousness will (hopefully) fade, and I'll go on living day-to-day with people around me (so that I don't go insane), headphones in my ears about 75% of the day, and I'll feel better. It's only 2 years until I can leave, and not be under my mothers crazy overprotective watch, until I can do (for the most part) what I want. Until I can live (again, for the most part) on my own.
I thought high school would be good. I honestly belived that I had finally come into my own, right up until the middle of last year when I finally came to my senses. Whomever said that these were the best days of your life was hiding something. Something big. It has to get better than this, if it doesn't then we're all really doing something wrong, because everyone in high school is selfish, stupid, and either know nothing or very little (like me), no matter what they say or how they act.
They can be volunteers, but you know they're doing it for the 40 hours needed to graduate.
They can have big worldly views, but all those views are one-sided.
They can seem to be totally accepting of every single thing, but if you really pay attention, you can clearly see that they're not happy about everything, and there is something that will make even the most confortable, moot person feel uncomfortable, out of place, or wrong somehow.
Everyone is hiding something, no one could possibly be stupid enough not to keep secrets. Especially the ones who look like they have it all together. Those are the ones who are the most unstable.
This was supposed to be an entry full of confessions, and resolutions for the coming year. But I've come to the conclusion that there are only a few things I really want to accomplish in grade 11;
- #1: I want to find out his secrets.
- #2: I want to be less self-pitying.
- #3: I want to be kissed
In reference to that last one, I should probably be more careful with what I wish for. It's something that probably won't happen, and if it does....I'd rather not think about that.
In fact, all of them probably won't happen, but it's fun to put them down anyway. I mean, how many people say that, for their new year's relsolution, they're going to loose weight/quit smoking/excersise/whatever. Do any of them actually go through with it? Not very many, I can tell you that.
Oh, on a relatively brighter note, my dad is giving me $100 to shop for stuff for school. Thank god, because if I have to go for another year with my wardrobe, I'll start to scream when I wake up in the morning, in addition to my routine of groaning, moving slowly, and making coffee as my breakfast (don't nag about that last thing. I have a habit of waking up late and having horrible mornings, so bite me).
Braided at 7:25 PM