The Lonely Child

2005-10-02T13:57:00.000-04:00

My new(ish) friend had a party yesterday. unnnh. I think I put more vodka than I had realised in my drink. Sure, I had 3 drinks and that was probably part of the problem, but the last one was the worst. The last thing I remember is puking and then cleaning it up (and considering the state I was in at that point, I did a pretty good job at it too). Ugh. I also puked on my sweater, right in front of everyone (oh joy). I only knew 3 people at that party.
I did, however, get sobered up after lying there for an hour or two. Then we watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, then The Phantom Of The Opera, and by then I was asleep.

Now, my jeans smell like a wonderful mixture of vomit, wet dog, and vanilla body spray. That combination is making me feel more sick than when I was crouched over a toilet seat last night.

ick.

2005-09-26T17:02:00.000-04:00

*whiney*

I for-gooooot. M.I.A is gonna be on MOD today, and I could've gone down. In fact, I was going to go down there to get some pictures and maybe an autograph or something, but I forgoooot. Now I have to settle for watching her on t.v. arrrg. Arrg times a lot. Like, a hundred or something.

This sucks. I always forget when it's someone good. I only remembered because I was watching muchnews and they said something about it. *sigh* not fair. Can't get pictures, can't see her in person. I didn't even know she was in Toronto.

DAMMIT!

2005-09-21T16:56:00.000-04:00

*tired moaning*

I need a hobby. Or something else to keep me busy. Anything else, just.....something to keep me busy enough that I don't sit here and melt away into the air. Or into the ground. Pick one and go with it.

I have something tomorrow. Something, what? Oh yeah, I have film/video tomorrow. Our first assignment (a video portrait) is starting tomorrow. It sound so boring, and uncreative. Maybe it's just that I don't want to go to school or something, but I'd just prefer to sit at home and read or watch t.v or write or whatever. Anything. Except go to school and be there.

Can you believe, it's been 4 weeks already? It only just hit me that I'm in grade 11, I'd rather be back when it doesn't really matter because you know that you still have 2 years to make up for all of your screw-ups.

2005-09-16T17:13:00.000-04:00

I switched my classes today (woot!).

I skipped first period (which used to be non-traditional art) so that I wouldn't have to sit throught that class, in which he was assigning us....something. Now, I have film/video that period, and I have photography at the time when I used to have film/video. I keep the rest of my schedule the same and I have 1 less class with Brownie (a kid who always wears brown. All the time. I'm thinking that if we ever become friends, which I doubt we will, I'll introduce him to the colour spectrum. God forbid he ever wear something yellow), and 1 less class with Him. Tall boy. The boy who's been spoken of. The boy I like, but won't admit to liking aloud, since that would mean admitting to liking him, and that would be bad. I went through liking the tall blonde. In fact, that other tall blonde was his friend. I will not succumb to the tall blonde boys ever again.

Not gonna like him. Just gonna be happy that I got out of that art class before it was too late.

And gonna be unhappy that I need to find $60 for my combined art fees.
And also gonna be happy that I'm going on the trip to New York. Woo-hoo, baby, woo-hoo.

Oh and, I have some things to cross off my list:

I paid the $40 student fee

I bought the journal for film/video

I have money for The Clothing Show. I also entered a contest to win designer clothes. yay.

I paid the money and handed in the forms for the New York trip. I was 4th, so I'm goin'

Like I said before, I switched my classes.

This week has gone, for the most part, quite well. Apart from the weather, it's been very good. Very good indeedy.

2005-09-14T18:00:00.000-04:00

And the first (of many) embarassing I-wish-I-could-take-it-back moments has happened. During a discussion in my civics class, I got really nervous and started to ramble. I rambled on and on and on until I stopped at "It started with Suge Knight, who signed Dr. Dre, who signed Eminem, who got D12 signed, and signed 50 Cent, who got The Game and his little "crew" signed too".

*shudder* I also used the phrase "vanity label". So yes, this means that everyone in my civics class has an idea of just how geeky and nervous I am. And they know that I know the heirarchy of record labels. And that I use terms like "vanity label" and know what it means.

ugghh. I'd rather they thought that I was into John Mayer or something, anything except having them have any clue as to what I really listen to, and just how geeky I am.

2005-09-13T17:25:00.000-04:00

I made an appointment in guidance, but it ended up being on friday at 11:30, so I can't change my class until then. Which means I have to sit through Non-traditional for two more classes until I can finally change it.

I figured out when the two grade 11 photography classes are. One is during my Film class and the other is during my English class, so I'm gonna have to switch out of one of them. Hopefully, I'll be switched out of english not film. It's not that I don't like the teacher or anything, it's that I kinda like my film class better than my english class (even though I love both, I like the one better than the other), plus if I do switch my film class, I'll have to switch my math class too.

I'm confused, I think I'll just let the guidance counsellor take care of all this.

2005-09-12T17:13:00.000-04:00

So, here are some things that will all be going into this one entry, as I calculate how much money I need, how much I have and I look back on what happened very, very early last Saturday morning.

1) Saturday: Basically, at around 3 am, I vaguely heard my mom call me. Then I heard a bunch of banging sounds and I groggily slumped over to the hallway to see what was going on. Now, my bedroom door is right next to the door to enter my apartment, which is where the lound banging sounds were coming from. Someone was trying to get into my apartment. They were trying the door, and attempting to fit their key into the lock and everything. My mom tried asking who it was, but the guy just said "a friend" and started trying to get in again. Eventually my mom called the cops, and they got there, and I went back to sleep. If she hadn't woken me up, I would've slept through the whole thing, and now my mom is going to be more protective than ever because she thinks the guy (who lives somewhere in the building) was trying to harass us or something. He wasn't, he was just really, really drunk. Whatever, the whole incident is kind of foggy since it all happened at 3, and I was pretty much still asleep, even while on the phone with 911. So, on to what I have to pay.....
2) Stuff I Have To Pay/Buy: a) I still have the $40 student fee to pay, since I used the money to buy underwear and a new shirt. I have it, and I'm gonna pay tomorrow. b) I have to pay for a new journal to use for film/video class. A good one. Like that awesome batman one I saw at Chapters. c) I have to buy a play to submit for Drama class. It's due....next friday. d) I have to save money for The Clothing Show, which I'm going to with my friend Emma and another friend. Usually we split the admission cost, as she gets this 2 for 1 thing, but I don't know if we're doing that, since another friend is supposed to come with us this time. I'd much rather just go with Emma, suffer through no conversation, and just pay $4, than have someone else there and have to pay 8. Plus, buying stuff in there, which I'm pretty stingy on already, and if I have to pay almost $10 in admission......oi.
3) The Trip To New York: I didn't mention it did I? Well, the senior media art classes and the stage crew are going to New York for 4 days in November. I want to go, and the deposit ($175) is due on Monday. I'm getting all the info tomorrow, hopefully I'll be able to go. But I don't want to ask my dad to pay for that, plus give me money for the clothing show. And my mom just got me a new (much needed) desk from Ikea and has to pay the delivery charge and everything....... Okay, this is getting back to the clothing show, so I'm giving it it's own little category.
3 1/2) The Clothing Show: Basically, the clothing show is a bi-annual thing that happens at the national trade centre. It's just an enormous, two-day sale. Local designers have their stuff, plus there's a lot of vintage, and also there are tons of boths. Everything is usually discounted by, lik, 80% from it's normal price. I bought a vintage, wool coat there for $20, and I know it was worth $100 at the very least. They had a really awesome pair of rare Chuck Taylors that were all velcro on the outside, the part that is usually canvas, for only $10 last time I went. And I found a Paul Frank wallet for $12, and the normal cost is over $30. I'll only be able to save $15 for it through my lunch money, and I'll have to ask my parents for the rest. Plus I have to save at least $20 for the copy of whatever play I'm going to get to submit for Drama Production (I think I'll go to Book City for that). Maybe I should write this down somewhere else too...
and finally, on to 4) Class changes: I'm switching out of my Non-Traditional art class. The people are okay and everything, but the subject is not. I'll either end up hurting my clumsy little self doing an installation project, or I'll end up with a mark that'll get a nice, long boring lecture from my dad about how I could do so much better and anything less that 80 is unacceptable, or I'll end up with both. So I'm switching to photography since a) I like it better, and b) It's way more related to Film. Y'know, if they had just offered Graphic Design this year, it would make things so much easier.

So that's it I guess. Oh! and I had a panic attack on the bus yesterday. I was thinking about the class changes thing, and then the bus started beeping, and the lights went off, and everyone crowded around me and I just couldn't breathe, blah blah blah. I'm good now. So long as I can change a class, and not end up in my grade 10 english teacher's grade 11 class, I'm gooood.

2005-09-11T18:37:00.000-04:00

A small message to my dad:

You dont' know everything. When I'm watching t.v don't explain it to me. Let the t.v explain it to me. Please, just......leave it alone.

2005-09-07T16:18:00.000-04:00

I was right yesterday when I said that Day Ones will be better than Day Twos for a change.

Film/Video is a beauty class. If I could date a subject, film/video and I would be starting our long-term relationship right about now. I've found a small group of movie nerds like me, and we discussed movies that we had all seen for the part of class after our teacher gave us the introduction. We have to do one review on an indie film every month (!!!!), and keep a journal of ideas and what not. Not bad, not bad at all.
In English I made a fool of myself (as usual). We had to write a poem where every line started with "I like" and I did why I like film. I did it because it was all I could think of, but I could feel these two guys (who both happen to be in four of my classes in total - and one of them is that guy I talked about in a few earlier entries) staring at me. Which made me feel like a fool, because they're in my film class, and I talked about film and now the word "film" makes no sense anymore since I've said it so many times.
Drama Production is gonna be hard. We sat in a circle and had to say why we signed up for the class, and almost everyone said for performance or acting. I had planned on just saying that I was there for playwriting and directing, but I heard myself saying that I was there for acting too. It wasn't a lie, but it was something I hadn't planned on saying. I must've done that.....at least once in each class today. Before even thinking about anything, I volunteered to read my poem aloud in english, I answered a question in math (and I was wrong), I said the acting thing in drama, and I took initiative in film. I'm shocked. The poem got claps, the teacher in DP doesn't seem to think I'm an idiot. The initiative in film was okay, and I (somehow) laughed off the math mistake. Shockingly, I'm not nauseaus.
Now I'm nervous for my first period class tomorrow. I could switch it to another class that fits why I took non-traditional art better. Something called Interdiciplinary Art or something, only it's on day 1 period 2, which is the same day as my film class, and I don't want to switch anything now. Plus, I don't want to wait in the line, which stretches from inside the guidance office, across the foyer, and into the other hall, practically.
I guess.....I'll just stick to Non-traditional. I am creative (at least, I like to think I am), and I can handle doing all those projects, plus production on the DP show, plus stage managing the sears play (assuming my friend's submission is accepted), plus all the film class stuff.

I hope I don't break. Maybe if I duct tape my head, so it won't break in half.......

2005-09-06T16:07:00.000-04:00

Today was the first day back. Well, the first half-day back. It was good enough to give me stomach pains for quite a while. I was never this nervous to go back to school, not on the first day of grade 9, nor last year, but today......ugh. I felt as if I was going to vomit at any second the whole time, I was nervous about getting my schedule...
I dont' know what it was. Maybe it was a gut feeling that it wasn't going to be so good. Non-traditional art is a grade 11/12 course, and there are only, like.....2 or maybe 3 other grade 11s in the class, and I know none of them. Our teacher (who was my math teacher last year. Make your own budget jokes) said about how the first unit we're doing is installation, and the next is performance art. And next class is a discussion. I don't do well in discussions. I have no initiative, and I enjoy speaking in a near-whisper. And I hate performance art. I think it is pretentious, that the people who do it are vain, stupid, and think too highly of themselves. I mean, you can sit on a chair and call it art. Sitting on a chair without speaking is not art, if it were then I would be a walking, talking, breathing, living art piece. I should be put in a gallery and have someone critisize me.
And simply the word "installation" scares me. Frankly, the whole class scares me. I wanted Graphic Design, but noooo, they didn't offer it this year. Why? I don't know, I'm sure that if they looked they'd be able to find another teacher to teach the class, but they were too lazy, and the school sucks. The video portion of that class won't suck, nor will.....well, the class itself wont' suck. Just the first two units and the year-long, summative installation project.

All the other classes I've had so far aren't so bad. Tomorrow's classes (I expect) will be better. I'm mostly waiting for my Film/Video class. The teacher is nice, I am told, and it's the thing I want to do for a living, so...I'll be learning stuff? I dont' know, I'm just waiting for that class. And Drama Production. I'm hoping for a role in the play, rather than a tech role, but either will be okay I guess. Wait, I just realised that, in a dramatic change from the last two years, my Day 1 schedule will be so much more bearable than my Day 2 schedule. Weird.

I have the same teacher for english than I did in grade 9 (yipee!). I like her, and she likes me, and she shows Kurt & Courtney for the conspiracy theory unit. And she's a fairly easy teacher, I barely did anything in that class and still managed an 80-something, so this year I'll be working hard and I'll get better (I hope).
Oh, and in my Civics class, I'm seated directly behind the kid I had a major crush on in grade 9. I spent most of the class staring at the back of his head and asking myself: why, and how, exactly did you ever like him? The rest of the time, I spent hoping that the stupid tweety bird wasn't thrown at me (The tweety bird was this game the teacher came up with. You throw it around and when you catch it, you have to say your name and something interesting about yourself. I didn't want to get it because a) I didn't want to speak aloud and b) I'm not all that interesting).

Okay, so that is all I can think of about the first half-day of school. Not the best day, and my stomach is still churning at the thought that I'll have six hours of it on Thursday. Tomorrow as well, but I don't know if my Day 1 classes will be as nauseating as these ones were.

2005-09-02T14:26:00.000-04:00

My last Friday alone.
My last day alone.
Well, I'll still have days alone.
But I won't be able to wake up at 10.
Unless I skip school.
Or my mom goes to work on a weekend.
That's not the point.
The point is,
This is my last Friday alone.
Before school,
Before friends,
Before working,
Before studying,
Before worrying,
Before overthinking things,
This is the last Friday I'll spend without having to talk, or explain myself,
That's what I mean when I say that this is the last Friday I'll spend alone.

Change is good (I hope).

2005-09-01T15:45:00.000-04:00

I am a cheap-ass. I don't like spending money, so when I have a lot of it, and I spend some I expect to still have a little. Meaning, when someone tells me that admission to something costs x-amount of dollars, and so I buy a new hoodie with some of my extra money, only to find that the admission is much more, and I'll have very little spending money at the end of it all, I get a little pissed off. And a bit sick to my stomach too.
I feel like I shouldn't have done something, I regret my purchase, and I make myself sick over it. Because I wont' be able to buy as much crap as I'd like to. And that is bad. 'Cause I want money to waste on games and shit. I don't want to scrounge. And I want one of those cute little stuffed toys. And I want to go into the nice, air-conditioned building and have a little fun shopping around.

I do not want to feel sick before eating or going on any rides or even leaving my house. I don't like to feel as if I'm going to cry over this, and I feel that way. You dont' lie to a cheap-ass or to a pessimistic person. And when someone is a cheap pessimist, you should probably avoid them altogether, but if you're friends with them, be careful. Very careful.

2005-08-29T15:37:00.000-04:00

School has got to start soon, before my head explodes of boredom. I have nothing planned until Thursday, which is the day my dad is supposed to give me the money for school stuff. And possibly Friday, when I might be going to Wonderland with my friends.

Yes, that's right, my friends are back. We celebrated one of my friends' birthday last weekend, since she was in London on her actual birthday. Not many people were there, most of my friends were still on vacation or at camp or wherever, but it was fun. I have her a cd, and some candy (for her sweet 16. get it? huh? yeah, neither did she). I also saw Red Eye. Thankfully, my friend Chloe brought a teddy bear with her, which I kind of stole around the middle of the movie. Whatever. I keep having nightmares where Rachel McAdams stabs me in the neck with a pen, and I start bleeding uncontrollably. Not good, considering that I have this weird fear of blood thing. Totally irrational, but I get all weak and breathless when I get a papercut, so you can imagine what happens when I see uncontrollable bleeding. God, I hate Wes Craven.

I did so something productive today. I thought it would take longer than it actually did, so now I have nothing at all to do. I switched two of my classes, Music Theatre for Drama Production, and General Science for Biology. Thank god I could change the first one. If I couldn't, I'd have a hell year, as would the people in my class since I can't sing for shit.

*big heaving sigh* Just one week to go. One single, lonely, stupid, boring week. Maybe I'll call someone. But I'm broke and dont' want to ask my parents for any more money.

Just a week. I can survive a week doing nothing, right?

2005-08-28T19:25:00.000-04:00

According to my mom, I'm really concentrated on getting a good job. She told me to apply to everywhere, and so I told her I did, when I actually only applied to Loblaws, and that was ony because she made me fill out the application while we were grocery shopping.

I do want a job. Having money would be a nice change from the usual "can I borrow _____". I'm sure that I'm not the only one who'd appreciate that. But...... I don't know. I'm too lazy I guess. I'm lazy at everything. Somehow, I've fooled my parents, teachers, friends, everyone that I am a) smart and b) dedicated. I am neither. I stopped trying in grade 7 when I realised that no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't ever going to fit in with any group. I'm an outcast at a school full of people who were outcasts at their schools, is that even possible? I'm not really that smart. I just remember facts easily.
It isn't hard to forget a sentence of fact. It is hard to forget a memory of something.

Maybe next year I'll try. If I tried, I might do better (not that I really need to do better. I got an 85% average last year, that is so much better than everyone else I know). I'll try at other things too. I'll try to be less obscure and strange. Less obnoxious. Less cold? Someone said that I can be pretty cold, I guess I'll try not to be. It couldn't hurt. It would help if.......if things were different. If I didn't have my background in being quiet and small, and had tried to make friends with people way back when, I would not be dreading this.

I'm exaggerating. I'm not dreading school. I want to go back, it'll give me something to do other than mull around doing nothing for another 10 months. I'll keep myself busy. I will find a job, and then, in between that and school stuff, I'll be so busy that the fact that I'm really unsatisfied with myself and the people around me will dissapate. My obnoxiousness will (hopefully) fade, and I'll go on living day-to-day with people around me (so that I don't go insane), headphones in my ears about 75% of the day, and I'll feel better. It's only 2 years until I can leave, and not be under my mothers crazy overprotective watch, until I can do (for the most part) what I want. Until I can live (again, for the most part) on my own.

I thought high school would be good. I honestly belived that I had finally come into my own, right up until the middle of last year when I finally came to my senses. Whomever said that these were the best days of your life was hiding something. Something big. It has to get better than this, if it doesn't then we're all really doing something wrong, because everyone in high school is selfish, stupid, and either know nothing or very little (like me), no matter what they say or how they act.
They can be volunteers, but you know they're doing it for the 40 hours needed to graduate.
They can have big worldly views, but all those views are one-sided.
They can seem to be totally accepting of every single thing, but if you really pay attention, you can clearly see that they're not happy about everything, and there is something that will make even the most confortable, moot person feel uncomfortable, out of place, or wrong somehow.
Everyone is hiding something, no one could possibly be stupid enough not to keep secrets. Especially the ones who look like they have it all together. Those are the ones who are the most unstable.

This was supposed to be an entry full of confessions, and resolutions for the coming year. But I've come to the conclusion that there are only a few things I really want to accomplish in grade 11;

#1: I want to find out his secrets.

#2: I want to be less self-pitying.

#3: I want to be kissed

In reference to that last one, I should probably be more careful with what I wish for. It's something that probably won't happen, and if it does....I'd rather not think about that.
In fact, all of them probably won't happen, but it's fun to put them down anyway. I mean, how many people say that, for their new year's relsolution, they're going to loose weight/quit smoking/excersise/whatever. Do any of them actually go through with it? Not very many, I can tell you that.

Oh, on a relatively brighter note, my dad is giving me $100 to shop for stuff for school. Thank god, because if I have to go for another year with my wardrobe, I'll start to scream when I wake up in the morning, in addition to my routine of groaning, moving slowly, and making coffee as my breakfast (don't nag about that last thing. I have a habit of waking up late and having horrible mornings, so bite me).

2005-08-12T15:18:00.000-04:00

Check it out, I have a big mouth;

In case anyone is counting, only 2 weeks 'till my friends get back. I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about then.

2005-08-01T16:40:00.000-04:00

I

am

so...

BORED!

2005-07-27T17:09:00.000-04:00

I finally found my copy of 1984.

After hours of searching.

Finally figuring out it was on the top shelf.

After falling off my chair about 5 times.

After hitting my head twice.

I found my book, which is old and has tons of character.

So much "character" in fact, that the first chapter fell out and is missing.

So now, I have my favourite book back, minus the first chapter.

2005-07-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

Second last day of school. Technically I'm supposed to be there, but I'd rather take half a day off and sit here instead. My computer is being a little bitch and keeps flashing a stupid "program is not responding" message, even though I'm not using that program. I should be studying. The plan was to get home and go through my book making notes, but.......well I guess I didn't stick to the plan. I did take some notes. I went to Starbucks and had one of those really, really yummy mint mocha chip thingies, and I took notes on Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (exciting subject, huh?), but then I went over to Chapters and started reading V For Vendetta simply because a movie was made based on it, and I want to read the comic before the movie comes out, so I have more to complain about when I watch it and see Natalie Portman's naked head (she shaved her head for her role, in case you didn't know yet). It's really good so far. About futuristic London that's controlled by this "leader" guy who is a facist, and starts off with this poor girl getting saved from these weird cops who almost kill her. And she gets saved by this guy wearing a cape and a clown mask, who is basically a terrorist going against the evil "leader" person. I can't really say much about it, since I only read up to the fifth chapter or something, but it parallels 1984 and everything, so you get the whole idea of this controlled society where everyone is perfect according to one guy and what not. They're kinda freaked out about releasing it and how they're gonna market it, because the clown guy (named V, and if you pay attention to what you're reading you get the reason why he's named V within the first 40 pages) basically blows a crapload of stuff up. Starting off with London's parliament building and also a train (apparently, I haven't gotten to that part yet). The book is great, and if the movie is made well, it'll be awesome too. Just like Sin City turned out to be amazing the same way as the books were (and they're making a sequel, and the dvd comes out....next week I think, yippee).
Okay, I'm really going to study now, I have a 2-hour exam the day after tomorrow, and I'm wasting my time here. *shakes head*

Check it out, I found the trailer

2005-07-19T17:34:00.000-04:00

Hi. I know you've probably gotten used to the usual pessimistic, complaining, whiney entries, but today, it's different. I got a new chair. It has a big back, it has arm rests, and I can lean back and it's supportive and super-comfortable. (insert big grin here) And I might just be getting my new stereo today too. Yipee! *dances*

Also, only five days of summer school left, I can skip the morning class tomorrow and sleep in because of a supply teacher, so we won't be learning anything anyway....*sigh*

And I saw Charlie and The Chocolate Factory yesterday! So good. I"ll review it more later. I'm tired right now, so I'm gonna go and have fun rather than waste my time in here.
*runs off*

2005-07-12T16:40:00.000-04:00

Remember when I said I was horrible at these things? This is what I meant.
Alas, more than a week has passed since my last entry. Sure, I've tried to add a few entries, but I'm so bored that I just might finish this one.
The school has no air conditioning. I mentioned that didn't I? Well, just to stress my point, yesterday broke a record as the hottest day recorded in Toronto at 34 degrees, without humidity. I'm sitting in class and practically drowning in my own sweat, which is disgusting, but I can't do anything about it except ask to go to the bathroom, and I've already done that so much the teacher probably thinks I have some kind of problem or something. Someone apparently had a heart attack outside of the school today, but by the way they were describing it, it sounded more like a severe heatstroke than an actual heart attack. I only know this because I was down in the office trying to get permission to go home early so maybe I could take a shower or something.

Two weeks left of this. On friday I get my "mid-term" marks sent home, and I'm sure I won't be doing too well. I'm so tired now. Waking up at 6:30 am over and over again in July? By the time school starts I won't be able to concentrate. See, this is what I was afraid of. My mother is already putting pressure on me to do well, reminding me every chance she gets that this is an intensive course and I have to do well, I have to get at least and 80 or else it won't be worth it. By the time September comes along, I won't have had enough rest, and I'll just become swamped before I know it. I was planning on "waking up late" tomorrow, but I have another test. We have a test every other day, so I'm either studying or doing homework. I was supposed to see Fantastic Four yesterday, and ended up not being able to. So I still have $10 with me, which I'm sure will be gone soon, even though I have a pact with myself to at least make an attempt at saving money this summer.

Oh, and one more complaint about this. The only places I can get a lunch at are: McDonalds, KFC or Pizza Nova. Can you believe it? After 3 years, I had to eat McDonalds. After 5 years, I had to eat KFC. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn't know about the Pizza Nova. So I've been stuffing my face with disgusting, high calorie, high in saturated fat food, when I could just have pizza for lunch and continue the horrible diet I had during school!!

I really should not complain though. On the little bit of time I have had alone, I've found more music for myself. Most of it is electronica and what not, but I like it. I never thought I would like that kind of stuff, but I do. Don't tell anyone though. God, I complain a lot. It's not healthy is it? Well, it also isn't really that healthy to stand in front of the mirror and stare at my belly, hoping it'll go away. It's not healthy to have less than 8 hours of sleep at night. It's not healthy to lie to my mom about going out with my friends when I'm actually just going out alone. A lot of what I do isn't healthy, complaining is just another of those things.

Augh. I'm too tired for all this typing. I'm gonna go channel my inner two year old and take a nap.

2005-07-04T16:00:00.000-04:00

32 degrees celcius + un air-conditioned building + 7 hours of math = not so happy.

Worse than that, I had to walk back to my dad's. The school is about 3 subway stations away from my dad's house, and 40 minutes away from my mom's house, so I have to get up at 6:30am to get there on time! I think I've complained about the whole summer school time debacle already, and it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, but.....still. It's school. It's constant math, with a measly half-hour break for lunch, on the top floor of a building with no air conditioning. Oh, and the bell sounds like a fire alarm. I'm exhausted, and I've just learned more about accounting in one day than I really care about. A chapter per day, with a 3 hour exam at the end of the four weeks.

Okay, I know I'm being very bratty and complaining about it too much, but it's just so hot, I can't help but complain. I did, however see a friend from gr. 8 that I hadn't seen in awhile and found that he was in my class. And on the way back to my dad's I stopped at Value Village and saw another friend. I'm gonna be positive for once and hope that it will get better from here on in.

2005-06-28T16:57:00.000-04:00

I'm finally finished putting up that radioblog thingamajig. After tons of kinks, after tons of failed web hosts, after tons of hours figuring out html again, you click that little box and it works. I made sure of it, using my friends and msn. It works well, and I am happy with it.

Another day spent alone. Not really doing anything either. I tried going to those usual places I go to on the internet on a day spent alone, but I didn't feel like being at any of them. I tried watching Kill Bill, and I got though volume 1, but I was barely half way through volume 2 when I turned it off. What can I say, I'm bored, so it spreads to everywhere else. Including my taste.

Okay, I really, really, don't want to admit it, but I'm afraid I have to. Maybe that stupid accounting thing won't be as horrible as I thought. At least I'll have something to do during the day. No, I won't be able to sleep in, but maybe I'll meet someone. Someone interesting. Someone who won't bug me, and who will hate being there as much as I do. Someone with good music taste, a relatively normal personality, and good style. Maybe I'll find that friend, I probably won't, as it is at a catholic school and most of those girls are bitches on legs. I admit, I was one of them. Until each one turned on me, and I left. Vowing not to be like them, and slowly changing until I am what I am now. I quiet, introverted enigma, who has good taste in music, is admittedly geeky, and doesn't listen to mainstream anymore.

bye.

2005-06-27T17:30:00.000-04:00

So, today was the first Monday of my summer vacation.
No, nothing exciting is going to follow that sentence, as I did nothing exciting today. I slept in, wached really bad morning television, went to chapters and came home.

But I couldn't concentrate at chapters. I sat down to read a magazine that I had been waiting to read for awhile (it had both M.I.A and LCD Soundsystem in it), and I started to read it, but I couldn't. I was about 4 sentences in, when my brain started to wander, in a very specific direction. See, there's this guy (I'm 15, there's always a guy). He's a very pretty guy, tall, looks a lot like Paul Banks of Interpol. He sat next to me in history for a week last year. I enjoy obsessing about him in my head, as I'd rather keep it all inside than deal with my friend who is "in love" with him. Anyway, my thoughts started to move in his direction. I started to daydream, and eventually I left the magazines and wandered away, still thinking about him. I never actually had a crush on this person, because if I did, I would have failed history, but I like to think about him. He's so tall, and far away. So unattainable, that it makes him desirable. The fact that we've barely ever said two words to each other, makes me want him real bad. I don't care whether or not he ever looks my way, come September. Actually, I'd rather he didn't, but daydreaming about him is getting in the way. Sure, I love doing it, but I also love finishing an article on an artist I really like, you know?

*sigh* He's so tall and pretty.....if he wasn't so completely unattainable, maybe I wouldn't be thinking about this so much.

2005-06-26T20:55:00.000-04:00

I think my head is going to pop.
I've been sitting in front of my computer all day long, because there's nothing to do inside, and even less to do outside. I haven't heard from my friends since school let out, and I have a sinking feeling that I won't be hearing from them until September. It's so hot outside, that I want to just walk around in shorts and a bikini top, but I won't do it alone, and I have no one to walk around with.

So instead, I'm stuck at my dad's, trying to figure out how to put up that radio blog, personal playlist thing, watching "'Till Death Do Us Part, Carmen And Dave", while all of the intelligence leaks out of my ears.

Can someone save me? Please?

2005-06-24T17:08:00.000-04:00

This is one of the reasons why I still talk to my friends:
Really. I have conflicting feelings towards them. Some days, it's normal. I love my friends, I laugh, when I talk they listen. Other days, I feel like a frickin' leper when around them. But I still talk to them, because at any random moment, someone will do something like that picture. They'll grow a third boob, or a new male member, or whatever. Of course, they also annoy me so much. At times, I've just had enough of my friends, and I desperately want new ones, but I still just stay there, with the people I know, am relatively comfortable with, and I kind-of trust. I'm never completely comfortable and I have trust issues, so they are the closest I'm going to get for now. Maybe next year I'll become detatched and find new people to hover around, but I doubt it. Hopefully, the summer will be the cure to all this, and by the time I get back, they won't irritate me so much, and I won't feel so unbelievably out of all this.

Then again, I might also just be destined to be alone or something.
Okay, this wasn't supposed to be so depressing. It was supposed to be nice, and happy. A reflection of the time when my friend stuffed an orange down her shirt and pretended to have a third boob. I just had to get that shpiel out of my system. Ignore it, please. Concentrate on the photo.

2005-06-22T17:41:00.000-04:00

Two more exams over! Drama and english, no mo'.

Yearbooks were given out yesterday, so obviously today was the traditional "sign my yearbook!?" day. I never know what to say in those. I mean, what is there to say? Hey, you used to piss me off and now you're asking me to sign your yearbook? I'm gonna see you in two months, but I'll act as if I'll never see you again? I swear, every time someone hands me that book, I start shaking. My mouth gets dry, and I stare at the page thinking about what to say to that person without sounding bitchy or anything. I end up starting with "Hey _____!", then commenting on whatever class I had with that person, and ending with "Have an awesome summer, I'll see you next year!". Fuck, I can barely think of what to put down on my exams, do you expect me to think of a special message to each and every person who shoves their yearbook down my throat? I even put that I suck at these things in the ones where I said something really stupid, or I just didn't want to say anything else. Sure, for a couple I put something other than "so-and-so teacher sucked", but in those two (yes, I only wrote something original in two yearbooks) the person was either a friend I admire greatly and love to joke with, or a person who actually surprised me this year. And I'm sorry, but I am not easily surprised.
And I dont' undertand the people who hand me these things, but I have no idea who the hell they are. Someone gave me theirs, and I commeted on his shirt, and I had to pretend to be looking for "a good spot" so that I could find out what the hell his name was. This should be a rule. Don't give someone your yearbook if you don't talk to them on a regular basis.

I do love reading what others wrote to me though. This year someone commented that I remind them of a black eyed susan. A crapload of people said I was smart. And my english teacher wrote that being alone is a choice, and that I shouldn't be alone (the theme for my end of year project was about being alone. And I commented on how I'm an only child, my parents are divorced and have been since forever, and how everyone is alone, really). The friend I admire commented on a bunch of little jokes we've had throughout the year. Everyone else....well, there were the random entries, and the perky mindless entries, and everything else that was in your yearbook too.
I was only in there once. What a rip-off.

2005-06-21T18:00:00.000-04:00

NO MORE MATH OR SCIENCE!

This means that, for two months, I will not have to think about physics, chemistry, ecology, biology, and whatever else explains why what happens happens the way it happens.
I'm aware that that sentence made no sense, but I just had a science exam at 9am and a math exam at noon. Then I got my yearbook, which is not really good, and I'm only in it once, for my "official picture" or whatever you call it. And it's horrible. Not as bad as the whole "looking drunk/high" fiasco last year, but still pretty bad. Not even the stage crew picture made it in, for whatever reason.
Now all the cheap ass easy art exams are left. Drama tomorrow morning, which is a "reflection on the past year" and a english exam where we apparently have to write an alternative ending to Romeo and Juliet.

Really, I have nothing to say. My brain is too busy leaking out of my ears and draining out the knowledge I've aquired from math and science in the past year to concentrate on this.

2005-06-20T17:20:00.000-04:00

Right so, the gym is possibly the coldest place in the school, and a horrible place to have exams. I finished the history one in 10 minutes and still had to stay for the whole hour, freezing my ass off in my new dress. Two exams in that hell hole. Actually no, it wasn't a hell hole, because if it was a hell hole it would be really hot, but the gym was fuckin' freezing. My goosebumps could cut glass, and if my dress wasn't denim (or whatever material it is, it's thick), my nipples would probably do the job just as well.
Oh, and I missed the Arcade Fire on the MMVA's, because the bus took forever to get me back to my mom's. I had to settle for seeing all of the other presenters (well, not all of them, but most) in a drunken stupor. And seeing K-os struggle through his alcoholic haze while accepting an award. And performing too. Alexisonfire were pretty good, they played No Transitory, which is one of the few songs I really like by them. I caught Billy Talent too, and The Killers were pretty good while closing the show, but I missed the good part. The Arcade Fire with a marching band.
I guess I can catch one of the trillion reruns that will air, but it just won't be the same, you know what I mean?
But there was one highlight. Ashlee Simpson. The girl a) tries too hard, and b) can't sing for shit. Not only was it off key for parts, but her voice cracked so much, that a blind person would believe she was a 14 year old boy. I can sing better than she can, and I sound like dying cow. Her end, was a crackling "scream!" (she sang "La La"), while kneeling back on the ground. Like she was trying to be Karen O, but without the aid of alcohol, or credibility. Her new blonde hair suits her quite well, I might add. BEP are irritating. Like watching Ashlee if she had been a rapper/hip hopper instead of a pop tartlette who doesn't like her job.
Okay, this is very bitter. The poison of these words hurt, yet they are very satisfying. I'm gonna stop writing before the horns and tail I've grown, from my continuous rant about this to my friends, become permanent.
I'll continue later, if I don't think of something good to say karma might come after me, and I can't think of anything that sounds to snazzy right now.

2005-06-19T15:00:00.000-04:00

I'm terrible at keeping these things. I'm not sure why I'm starting another one, rather than just continue old ones. Probably because I hate my writing in other ones. It's still pointless to start a new one. Oh well, too late now I guess.
I'm starting this one, because I don't want to continue my old one.
I want a blog because everyone has one.
I will write pointless crap in here, as I am a teenage girl so most of what I say is pointless and it is crap.
I'm 15.
and currenly, no one is reading this. Except me.
I have to go study for my exams now. Collect articles for the Personal Fitness one. I need 3 more, 5 in total. Study for history, and start cramming for science.

Maybe I'll use this blog to answer why I am so irresponsible. Or why my mom put me in summer school for an extra credit I will never need. I'll document what goes on there, and how I feel having to commute to a school that is almost 45minutes away, get there by 8:30am, and not be allowed to leave until 2pm. It'll be fun. Maybe even humourous.